Sometimes grief isn't a big thing. Sometimes it is the incredible loneliness of missing the person you have lost so much that you just feel empty for a while. I know that it is the big milestones that hurt the most, the birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, actually any date which was special and makes you remember your loved one. But more often than not, it is a small thing, an everyday event, spotting something familiar and even on some occasions being in a certain place that triggers grief. The one thing I know for sure is that I will never, ever get used to how hard the sadness hits you.
I am feeling like this right now, and it is what has prompted me to write this blog post. I actually am feeling very driven to write about my experiences with grief at the moment, hoping that perhaps what I write helps someone through a dark moment.
I miss my Mum. I miss her so much I can barely breathe. A couple of things have happened in the last few days, I learned that one of my good friend's Mum sadly passed away last week. Having to buy a sympathy card and write something heartfelt has made me miss my darling Mum and feels as if I've picked the scab from my grief wound to let it hurt anew. The first person I wanted to talk to about what had happened was Mum. She always knew what to say, and how to make me feel better. I don't have that now and that's awful. Sadly my Mum died from a brain tumour, and although she was still with us, circumstances meant that she couldn't help me when my younger brother died (6 months before my Mum). Those conversations and chats with her that I missed then and now, when life was sad, cruel and unfair just helped. Mum couldn't fix those times, but she brought her thoughtfulness and love to everything and sharing sad times with her always made me believe that things could be happier again. She was an eternal optimist, I too am an optimist but with a fatalistic view on life (I should write about that too one day!).
But the time I miss her the most is when, like today, I have happy news. Again small trivial things, I've noticed that the rose we planted in our garden with our lovely dog Rosie's ashes is about to bloom, and it makes me happy because I feel as if Rosie is still sitting in the garden with me. My Mum would have liked to hear that.
A text just received from our daughter confirms that she has got the result from one of her third year University exams and passed! I am so proud of her, I know its the first result of four but she has worked so hard and I am just chuffed to bits for her. My Mum would love to hear this happy news, she loved her grandchildren so much, and she had a special bond with her only granddaughter too, as my Mum was the only girl in a family of boys she understood about how it was to only have brothers! I wish we could share this happy time together, I feel very alone without my Mum.
All this six and a half years since my Mum died, and the pain in my chest and tears that have dried on my face are physical evidence of how much I miss her, how much I love her and how I wish we could just have another chance to chat about small things, happy or sad. I feel a bit better now I have typed this, perhaps in a cathartic way I now feel as if I have chatted with my Mum.
Love you Mum, miss you xxx
