I think about love a lot, I love my life but it hasn't come naturally to me. I have spent times in my life feeling not worthy of love and being terrified of losing everyone I love and recently I have wanted to write about how I ended up here, managing to live without the fear that it could all disappear instantly.
However, I think I need to start earlier than that by first of all thinking about the first loves, real loves in my life, so before I start on the human relationships I have learned to love from I need to talk about my animal loves. To write about them all would be too long, so this is the first post mostly about my childhood dogs.
The first dog I can remember having was a wire haired fox terrier called Penny. I can't remember life without her, so my parents must have got her when I was wee. I remember the story being that she had belonged to an elderly lady who couldn't look after her anymore and we got her. She was the sweetest little thing, one of her favourite spots in our house was sitting behind the door in the bathroom next to the electric towel rail. We didn't have central heating at that time and it must have been a cosy spot, quite often you would go to the loo, sit down and realise that there was a wee dog looking at you. It was very nice to cuddle her and she used to smell of clean towels and was always toasty warm. Sadly, when I was about 5 or 6 years old she developed a skin condition which after a few trips to the vet, meant she was referred to the Glasgow vet hospital. She didn't come home and I was told that she had gone to heaven. I cried and cried for days, I still remember that bus ride home from us visiting family when my Mum told me she had died. I was devastated.
Some time later we bought a puppy, this time we had been to the breeder to pick our puppy out and one Saturday morning off we went to pick Sheena up. Sheena was a Shetland Sheepdog, she was quiet and shy and she totally loved us. She chewed her way through umpteen pairs of shoes, the side of a wall (yes really) and a couple of wicker baskets, my Mum finally getting a bread crate from the local supermarket which became her bed. Sheena was the best trained dog I have ever had. I could walk her all around our small town and she would sit at the edge of the pavement if we had to cross the road. She never ran away, barked or chased other dogs. We used to walk everywhere together, we had lots of favourite places to visit, the record shop in the village - the owner Cathy had 3 Shelties too and we used to meet on Sunday evenings in the local park for walks with the dogs, thinking back the friendship I had with Cathy (who was also great friends with my Mum) was one of the first friendships I had on my own with an older person, I loved those walks together, she really was a lovely lady. Sheena(dog) and me used to love visiting my Auntie Nan who lived around the block from us. Sheena could have whole conversations with Aunt Nan, joyfully whining away when talked too. I used to tell my friends that Sheena must be related to Lassie, the famous film dog, as I was sure that she would save me if I fell down a well! Sheena did save me in a way, I had a person in my life that really loved me, just me, not the me that had to be good or had to try really hard to be loved.
As an adopted person I think that even then I knew that the love Sheena had for me was unlike any other. I didn't have to work for it, she slept outside my bedroom door and used to come into the bathroom with me if I had been naughty, I would wrap us both up in warm towels and wonder if we could live in there, how long could we stay hidden and could I eat the toothpaste? One of the best things was being able to completely hide my face in her long coat, she was a lovely dog for cuddling. Sheena loved me and I loved her, it was unconditional. Being able to walk the dog was a great way to escape from the house and be out for hours. Once I started going out with my first boyfriend Alasdair, he and I used to take her for huge walks up in the country park next to our town, she used to go nuts when she saw him, always whining and wagging her tail madly.
It was Sheena who helped me cope with my grief after Alasdair died, a few days after his 18th birthday. I could still escape from the house, which I needed to, my parents really couldn't cope with me or my grief, I suppose they were trying to cope with their own but we didn't talk about things like that in our house. My Dad's solution to any difficult situation was to isolate himself and not talk about it, my lovely Mum just tried to make the peace but she would never stand up for me against my Dad, she really was his wife first and foremost, with that taking priority over being a Mum to me or my brother.
We still had Sheena when I started dating my ex-husband, I was still living at home and walks with Sheena had stopped now as she must have been about 14 or even 15 years old, totally blind and finally she had a stroke and we had to have her put to sleep. My Mum took her up to the vets and left her there, I hated that I hadn't been with her in her last moments, it wasn't until I came home from work that I walked in our back door and noticed that the dog bowls were gone that I knew what had happened. I remember being both distraught and furious, I don't think my parents really thought about it, I know my Mum was upset but she didnt understand why I was upset that Sheena had just been left at the vets. I have never ever done that with any of my animals since, I truly believe that if you have an animal that has loved you and shared your life then it is up to you as the human to be there at the end of their life too. I know sometimes circumstances dictate differently but if you can you need to be there for them.
I was 19 when I started dating my ex he was seen as a bit of a 'calming' influence on me by my family I think. We got engaged and married too young and too quickly, 21 when we married, and 25 when I left him. The one thing that we did have in common was that we both liked animals, Tomas's Mum bred Birman cats and the first cat that I have ever owned was a male Blue Point Birman, called Turbo, who I even took to Cat Shows for a couple of years (don't ask, I wasn't really myself then!). It was with Tomas that we bought my Mum a Yorkshire Terrier puppy, she was called Tara and was quite the best small dog I ever met. It was a good thing for Mum to have her as both me and my brother had left home by then. Tara never ever felt like my dog though, I had to get used to visiting home and being greeted by a dog that wasn't really mine. Tara was a funny wee thing and used to get quite jealous of me hugging my Mum, we now own a terrier cross and she is exactly the same when others are getting attention. I think it is a 'small' dog thing!
It took going through CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) after a serious riding accident for me to realise that these first loves with my childhood dogs were to shape me as a person for the rest of my life. I did not have to be 'good' to earn love from my dogs, I didn't ever worry about them not loving me, it was a tangible real love that came without strings of being grateful or not being like them - I loved them and they loved me and the loss I suffered when they died was as real as any other bereavement I had known at the time. In my 20s I went on to discover myself and who I really was through my other massive love in life - horses. And that is the subject of another post altogether.
I truly believe that our lives are woven together with threads and cords which link us, bind us with love and shared values and worths. Through animals I have met and been inspired by some of the most amazing people I know, and through them I hope I have learned and grown and in return reciprocated with my love too.
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