Sometimes grief isn't a big thing. Sometimes it is the incredible loneliness of missing the person you have lost so much that you just feel empty for a while. I know that it is the big milestones that hurt the most, the birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, actually any date which was special and makes you remember your loved one. But more often than not, it is a small thing, an everyday event, spotting something familiar and even on some occasions being in a certain place that triggers grief. The one thing I know for sure is that I will never, ever get used to how hard the sadness hits you.
I am feeling like this right now, and it is what has prompted me to write this blog post. I actually am feeling very driven to write about my experiences with grief at the moment, hoping that perhaps what I write helps someone through a dark moment.
I miss my Mum. I miss her so much I can barely breathe. A couple of things have happened in the last few days, I learned that one of my good friend's Mum sadly passed away last week. Having to buy a sympathy card and write something heartfelt has made me miss my darling Mum and feels as if I've picked the scab from my grief wound to let it hurt anew. The first person I wanted to talk to about what had happened was Mum. She always knew what to say, and how to make me feel better. I don't have that now and that's awful. Sadly my Mum died from a brain tumour, and although she was still with us, circumstances meant that she couldn't help me when my younger brother died (6 months before my Mum). Those conversations and chats with her that I missed then and now, when life was sad, cruel and unfair just helped. Mum couldn't fix those times, but she brought her thoughtfulness and love to everything and sharing sad times with her always made me believe that things could be happier again. She was an eternal optimist, I too am an optimist but with a fatalistic view on life (I should write about that too one day!).
But the time I miss her the most is when, like today, I have happy news. Again small trivial things, I've noticed that the rose we planted in our garden with our lovely dog Rosie's ashes is about to bloom, and it makes me happy because I feel as if Rosie is still sitting in the garden with me. My Mum would have liked to hear that.
A text just received from our daughter confirms that she has got the result from one of her third year University exams and passed! I am so proud of her, I know its the first result of four but she has worked so hard and I am just chuffed to bits for her. My Mum would love to hear this happy news, she loved her grandchildren so much, and she had a special bond with her only granddaughter too, as my Mum was the only girl in a family of boys she understood about how it was to only have brothers! I wish we could share this happy time together, I feel very alone without my Mum.
All this six and a half years since my Mum died, and the pain in my chest and tears that have dried on my face are physical evidence of how much I miss her, how much I love her and how I wish we could just have another chance to chat about small things, happy or sad. I feel a bit better now I have typed this, perhaps in a cathartic way I now feel as if I have chatted with my Mum.
Love you Mum, miss you xxx
Monday, 13 June 2016
Thursday, 7 February 2013
The right thing to say
I received some lovely feedback recently. It made me realise that I haven't posted on this blog for a while, other projects and generally life getting in the way, but actually revisiting this blog made me still happy that I have it. This blog is for different reasons than Garden Cuppa or TTouch Ali, far more personal, and much more for me, rather than about me.
2013 is a year for reconnecting, with people I've lost touch with, with projects I haven't pursued or had time for, and with life. Three years have passed since my darling Mum and Brother passed away, and now I have a feeling that things I plan can happen, life goes on as it should.
Recently I've had a few discussions with friends, based round 'what do you say' or 'what is the right thing to say' when you have been told someone you know is ill, has cancer, has had someone they love die. The answer is, I honestly have no idea. What I DO know is that there is no 'right' thing to say, times in life that these don't require the right response. What they do require is any response. It's not the time to think about what you are saying, you just have to say something.
I experienced my first real grief (other than losing my beloved pet dog) in life when I was 17 years old. My boyfriend and first love tragically died after being involved in a car accident. At the time no one spoke to me, I was told to be brave, not to cry, not one person ever discussed my grief. Our friends all were suffering their own grief too, a sad bunch of teenagers, we sat around, playing records and trying to make sense of it. I used to see people I knew cross the road away from me as I walked through our town, people just didn't know what to say, so they avoided me. Looking back now I don't think I recovered from that experience until I was in my 20's.
Just about three and a half years ago, I sat in the Chevalier (end of life) ward at the Royal Marsden Hospital in Sutton, Surrey. My brother, Stephen, was dying, and right up until the end had not shared that his cancer was terminal with me (our Mum was terminally ill at the time too). Stephen had had counselling via the Marsden, had compiled a bucket list, planned his own funeral and was in a good place, his counsellor asked if me and my husband would like to speak to her. We did, we spoke with the counsellor for a couple of hours, mostly about Stephen's wishes, his concerns for me and for our children, his niece and nephews, he had things to bequeath to them and things to let me know about. At one point during the discussion the counsellor asked me what I would say to the children about Stephen dying, (14, 12 and 9 years old at the time), I told her I would tell them the truth and I emphasised that I would talk to them, no matter what they wanted to talk about I would listen, and even if I didn't have the answers that I would support them. I told her what had happened to me when I was a teenager and she asked me 'what would have been the one thing that would have helped then?' I replied that I had just needed someone to talk too (or someone to listen to me). It was being ignored or avoided that hurt me the most, making me retreat into my personal grief, not being allowed to show how hurt I was, and putting on a brave face that took me years to recover from.
It doesn't matter what the right or wrong thing to say is, what actually matters is saying it, being there, listening, hugging, making cups of tea, turning up unannounced to empty the dishwasher, offering lifts to the hospital, posting on facebook, picking up the phone and chatting, walking the dog, sending a text, making more cups of tea, think about what would help you and offer that.
In otherwords don't worry about what to say, just say it anyway - show you care, it makes all the difference.
It really does.
2013 is a year for reconnecting, with people I've lost touch with, with projects I haven't pursued or had time for, and with life. Three years have passed since my darling Mum and Brother passed away, and now I have a feeling that things I plan can happen, life goes on as it should.
Recently I've had a few discussions with friends, based round 'what do you say' or 'what is the right thing to say' when you have been told someone you know is ill, has cancer, has had someone they love die. The answer is, I honestly have no idea. What I DO know is that there is no 'right' thing to say, times in life that these don't require the right response. What they do require is any response. It's not the time to think about what you are saying, you just have to say something.
I experienced my first real grief (other than losing my beloved pet dog) in life when I was 17 years old. My boyfriend and first love tragically died after being involved in a car accident. At the time no one spoke to me, I was told to be brave, not to cry, not one person ever discussed my grief. Our friends all were suffering their own grief too, a sad bunch of teenagers, we sat around, playing records and trying to make sense of it. I used to see people I knew cross the road away from me as I walked through our town, people just didn't know what to say, so they avoided me. Looking back now I don't think I recovered from that experience until I was in my 20's.
Just about three and a half years ago, I sat in the Chevalier (end of life) ward at the Royal Marsden Hospital in Sutton, Surrey. My brother, Stephen, was dying, and right up until the end had not shared that his cancer was terminal with me (our Mum was terminally ill at the time too). Stephen had had counselling via the Marsden, had compiled a bucket list, planned his own funeral and was in a good place, his counsellor asked if me and my husband would like to speak to her. We did, we spoke with the counsellor for a couple of hours, mostly about Stephen's wishes, his concerns for me and for our children, his niece and nephews, he had things to bequeath to them and things to let me know about. At one point during the discussion the counsellor asked me what I would say to the children about Stephen dying, (14, 12 and 9 years old at the time), I told her I would tell them the truth and I emphasised that I would talk to them, no matter what they wanted to talk about I would listen, and even if I didn't have the answers that I would support them. I told her what had happened to me when I was a teenager and she asked me 'what would have been the one thing that would have helped then?' I replied that I had just needed someone to talk too (or someone to listen to me). It was being ignored or avoided that hurt me the most, making me retreat into my personal grief, not being allowed to show how hurt I was, and putting on a brave face that took me years to recover from.
It doesn't matter what the right or wrong thing to say is, what actually matters is saying it, being there, listening, hugging, making cups of tea, turning up unannounced to empty the dishwasher, offering lifts to the hospital, posting on facebook, picking up the phone and chatting, walking the dog, sending a text, making more cups of tea, think about what would help you and offer that.
In otherwords don't worry about what to say, just say it anyway - show you care, it makes all the difference.
It really does.
Friday, 1 April 2011
Live life lightly
Hmmm - I suppose this is about trying to do the right thing, life my life right, tread gently, leave no impact and to try and nurture the people and animals and planet around me.
I am sometimes taken with the notion that I shouldn't have been born in the Sixties but perhaps should have lived then - there is definitely a latent hippie in my soul!
I lived as a vegetarian for about 10 years, due to animal welfare concerns but then decided that a better way for me was to buy 'happy' meat - basically to eat fish, meat and poultry that I knew came from organic or free range farms. Since moving back to Aberdeenshire I also now buy meat direct from farmers I know and respect, they are not organic but their animals are treated with care and travel the minimal distance before dispatch. My husband and I also try to grow as much of our own veg and fruit as living in the North allows (weather permitting!).
The work I do with horses, Tellington Ttouch Equine Awareness Method is about looking at how the horse moves, and believing that 'bad' behaviour or poor performance doesn't come from the horse being naughty but from pain and/or tension in the body which is affecting the horse. It is such a gentle way to be with animals and has a real feel-good factor when you see how the horse responds.
The Reiki I use on my self, family and friends gives me the same sense of well being - I suppose it's all about balance really. I try to be a good friend, try not to be judgemental and try to think before I open my big mouth - it's hard (I'm human after all) but I would always want to treat others the way I'd like to be treated myself.
I'm not a religious person at all, I believe in humans and the universe. However, there is a race of people and belief system I feel most akin to, the Native American one - we lived in Western Canada for 4 years and I was incredibly moved by what we learned about the Native Americans there. They have a way of explaining the connection between us all that works for me.
Real life is quite often busy, stressful and doesn't feel like this, but this I what I aim for and would wish to pass on to my children. It's a bit of a tall order but I'm working at it!
I am sometimes taken with the notion that I shouldn't have been born in the Sixties but perhaps should have lived then - there is definitely a latent hippie in my soul!
I lived as a vegetarian for about 10 years, due to animal welfare concerns but then decided that a better way for me was to buy 'happy' meat - basically to eat fish, meat and poultry that I knew came from organic or free range farms. Since moving back to Aberdeenshire I also now buy meat direct from farmers I know and respect, they are not organic but their animals are treated with care and travel the minimal distance before dispatch. My husband and I also try to grow as much of our own veg and fruit as living in the North allows (weather permitting!).
The work I do with horses, Tellington Ttouch Equine Awareness Method is about looking at how the horse moves, and believing that 'bad' behaviour or poor performance doesn't come from the horse being naughty but from pain and/or tension in the body which is affecting the horse. It is such a gentle way to be with animals and has a real feel-good factor when you see how the horse responds.
The Reiki I use on my self, family and friends gives me the same sense of well being - I suppose it's all about balance really. I try to be a good friend, try not to be judgemental and try to think before I open my big mouth - it's hard (I'm human after all) but I would always want to treat others the way I'd like to be treated myself.
I'm not a religious person at all, I believe in humans and the universe. However, there is a race of people and belief system I feel most akin to, the Native American one - we lived in Western Canada for 4 years and I was incredibly moved by what we learned about the Native Americans there. They have a way of explaining the connection between us all that works for me.
Honor the sacred.
Honor the Earth, our Mother.
Honor the Elders.
Honor all with whom we share the Earth:-
Four-leggeds, two-leggeds, winged ones,
Swimmers, crawlers, plant and rock people.
Walk in balance and beauty.
Honor the Earth, our Mother.
Honor the Elders.
Honor all with whom we share the Earth:-
Four-leggeds, two-leggeds, winged ones,
Swimmers, crawlers, plant and rock people.
Walk in balance and beauty.
Real life is quite often busy, stressful and doesn't feel like this, but this I what I aim for and would wish to pass on to my children. It's a bit of a tall order but I'm working at it!
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
have no regrets
This is a great one for me, my husband tells me this all the time, especially when I beat myself up about something. You can NEVER regret having attempted something but not achieving or suceeding at it, you can ONLY regret not having tried at all.
Indy was a 16.2 thoroughbred dream horse I owned when we lived in Canada, sadly to realise that he was the perfect horse but not at the perfect time. I had two small children under the age of 4 and was pregnant with our third. I wept buckets that I had to sell him, he was a hunter/jumper/dressage prospect and I couldn't ride him more than twice a week. The upside was that the lovely lady I sold him to became one of my best friends, she let me ride him after I had had our baby and then when I was facing life without a horse, she offered to let me board a trail riding horse out at her ranch - a nice easy horse, one that you could leave for weeks on end or ride every day of the week. With her help I found and bought Zac, my amazing paint horse and he has changed my life. He inspired me to learn TTEAM (Tellington-Ttouch Equine Awareness Method) and my life has been enriched and blessed beyond compare through the people, horses and animals I met through my TTEAM training.
http://www.tilleyfarm.co.uk/
My lesson learned is that life is to try, attempt and strive to do all these things which make us alive and if things don't quite turn out how they 'should' have then that should be embraced too. Keep living and no regrets.
Indy was a 16.2 thoroughbred dream horse I owned when we lived in Canada, sadly to realise that he was the perfect horse but not at the perfect time. I had two small children under the age of 4 and was pregnant with our third. I wept buckets that I had to sell him, he was a hunter/jumper/dressage prospect and I couldn't ride him more than twice a week. The upside was that the lovely lady I sold him to became one of my best friends, she let me ride him after I had had our baby and then when I was facing life without a horse, she offered to let me board a trail riding horse out at her ranch - a nice easy horse, one that you could leave for weeks on end or ride every day of the week. With her help I found and bought Zac, my amazing paint horse and he has changed my life. He inspired me to learn TTEAM (Tellington-Ttouch Equine Awareness Method) and my life has been enriched and blessed beyond compare through the people, horses and animals I met through my TTEAM training.
http://www.tilleyfarm.co.uk/
My lesson learned is that life is to try, attempt and strive to do all these things which make us alive and if things don't quite turn out how they 'should' have then that should be embraced too. Keep living and no regrets.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Make lists
Always with the provision to lose them, rip them up and start again or whatever!
I have various lists on the go for different things (and at different times). My shopping list, the list on my iPhone, our garden planting list, the house to do list, the list goes on!
I've found that the best time to write a list about what I want to achieve in life, my work, home, for my children etc has been when on holiday. I usually have a list (or two) at the back of my diary and it's nice to look back on them at the end of the year and laugh at what was achieved, or what was completely unobtainable but funny to think of in the present.
The other type of list I find really useful is the list of things I actually HAVE achieved. Sometimes when you feel as if life just isn't moving forwards, take a moment to stop and write down what you have done - you'll be amazed at how much there is and it gives you a lift to realise how much more you can achieve too!
One of the best lists I have on the go constantly is the list of things I love and am grateful for in my life, it helps to know that I can sit down and think of all the things that make my life worthwhile and wonderful (a bit sentimental and mushy but it works for me).
I have various lists on the go for different things (and at different times). My shopping list, the list on my iPhone, our garden planting list, the house to do list, the list goes on!
I've found that the best time to write a list about what I want to achieve in life, my work, home, for my children etc has been when on holiday. I usually have a list (or two) at the back of my diary and it's nice to look back on them at the end of the year and laugh at what was achieved, or what was completely unobtainable but funny to think of in the present.
The other type of list I find really useful is the list of things I actually HAVE achieved. Sometimes when you feel as if life just isn't moving forwards, take a moment to stop and write down what you have done - you'll be amazed at how much there is and it gives you a lift to realise how much more you can achieve too!
One of the best lists I have on the go constantly is the list of things I love and am grateful for in my life, it helps to know that I can sit down and think of all the things that make my life worthwhile and wonderful (a bit sentimental and mushy but it works for me).
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Follow your gut instinct
This one I learned from working with horses, of course as a human being it took me a while to stop analysing it and get on and apply it.
Horses are prey animals - they have have a built in survival mechanism known commonly as Fight or Flight (actually there are a couple more which should be added too, Freeze and Faint). When danger approaches a horse, it's gut will react (really!) and then the horse will either run away, stand and defend, remain rooted to the spot or in extreme cases it will collapse (and sometimes die).
The same happens in humans - that nervous sickly feeling when something doesn't feel right, the euphoria when something does and you want to run around jumping for joy? It's gut instinct - listening to your heart rather than your head.
Every time I've ignored these feelings and over-ruled them with my head, and common sense - it's turned out badly. The times I've listened to my gut instinct, however scary it may seem, it's turned out all right.
Years ago when I was living in Canada, I was out trail riding on a huge quarter section from my friend's ranch NW of Calgary. I was riding my Paint horse, Zac, we were following a path through some woods when Zac stopped. I mean STOPPED!! Completely! I tried to urge him forwards and my friend said not to let him be boss (?) but I said no, he was stopping for a reason, I was going to trust him and we turned around and headed back up the track, and then carried on going around the wood rather than through it. When we finally came back onto the original trail, my friend looked back up the track and said thank goodness we hadn't gone that way, as out from the trail came a cow moose followed by her calf (which can be known to charge if they think you are threatening their calves). Although Zac hadn't seen them, he had sensed them and I'm very glad I had listened to him. He's a very good teacher.
Horses are prey animals - they have have a built in survival mechanism known commonly as Fight or Flight (actually there are a couple more which should be added too, Freeze and Faint). When danger approaches a horse, it's gut will react (really!) and then the horse will either run away, stand and defend, remain rooted to the spot or in extreme cases it will collapse (and sometimes die).
The same happens in humans - that nervous sickly feeling when something doesn't feel right, the euphoria when something does and you want to run around jumping for joy? It's gut instinct - listening to your heart rather than your head.
Every time I've ignored these feelings and over-ruled them with my head, and common sense - it's turned out badly. The times I've listened to my gut instinct, however scary it may seem, it's turned out all right.
Years ago when I was living in Canada, I was out trail riding on a huge quarter section from my friend's ranch NW of Calgary. I was riding my Paint horse, Zac, we were following a path through some woods when Zac stopped. I mean STOPPED!! Completely! I tried to urge him forwards and my friend said not to let him be boss (?) but I said no, he was stopping for a reason, I was going to trust him and we turned around and headed back up the track, and then carried on going around the wood rather than through it. When we finally came back onto the original trail, my friend looked back up the track and said thank goodness we hadn't gone that way, as out from the trail came a cow moose followed by her calf (which can be known to charge if they think you are threatening their calves). Although Zac hadn't seen them, he had sensed them and I'm very glad I had listened to him. He's a very good teacher.
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
You should always wear clean underwear...
especially if you are going somewhere. Then if you are run over by a bus at least you'll have clean knickers on!
This is one of the earliest things my Mum used to tell me, I suppose it's really about being prepared and also about taking care of the basics and not really about pleasing medical professionals when they realise you made an effort with your clean pants.
This is one of the earliest things my Mum used to tell me, I suppose it's really about being prepared and also about taking care of the basics and not really about pleasing medical professionals when they realise you made an effort with your clean pants.
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